Dedicated to Kamui, one of my few reasons for living. Happy anniversary, itoshii. "The Life in You" An X/1999 fanfiction Written by Komadori-chan MD [Fanfiction is non-profit – Tokyo Babylon/X1999 © CLAMP] Published 07-20-02 ------------------------------------------------- Death (deth) noun 1. The cessation of all vital functions. 2. The condition of being dead. 3. The cause or manner of dying. 4. The loss of sensation. ------------------------------------------------- What does it mean to die? How exactly do we define Death as an experience? Perhaps the simplest way one would explain things would be to say that when a person ceases to live, they are dead. When you put it that way, it makes enough sense. After all, Hokuto-chan died that way. And yet, in a very different sense, I also died that way. Such a bitter irony that she would sacrifice her life so that I might live – not knowing that as close as we had always been, the moment her heart stopped beating, so did mine. Unable to let her go, I followed her in death and the boy I once was ceased to be. He exists now only as a memory in the minds of those around me – a specter from what may as well be another lifetime. And yet, this body still breathing. So I am not dead... but I am. Or perhaps, we could just say – for argument's sake – that, while I am alive, I am not living. If Death is defined as being the absence of Life, then it can also be implied that Death is the absence of Living, though there is a certain significance that should be placed on the difference between these two things. The best way I can explain this is with an old saying Hokuto-chan had, "If I am to die, then I would like to think it was because I had lived." It is the ability to feel and the will to Dream that differentiates between those who exist and those who live. In that case, I am still dead, for I can no longer Dream. So, having said that, is Death an experience reserved for the living? If so, how can I die if I am already dead? Is it possible for me to die yet again and have experienced death of the heart, soul, and body? And what of those who were never quite alive to begin with? Seishirou-san... Nine years ago, you took my life... but you refused to kill me. Why? I loved you so much, I would have given you anything you wanted – anything – even that, if you truly desired it. It was yours to take. And even though it hurt so badly, I was prepared to give that to you. It was all and everything that I had to give... and you turned it aside because it meant so little to you. Why? Seishirou-san, despite everything that passed between us that year, you were never truly alive, were you? And it seemed to me, afterward, that the only thing that could ever make you feel as though you were – the only thing that was able to touch you and spark genuine passion in your eyes – was the Hunt. It was the satisfaction of killing – the power to steal a person's ability to live so that they could be just like you. So brief, and yet so intense... to be laid bare before your scrutinizing gaze while you touched intimately upon a person's soul just seconds before release. Seishirou-san, I wanted so badly to be able to touch you just once – to mean something to you – even if it meant nothing more than a moment's gratification such as that. It was then that I decided that I wanted you to kill me. And yet... for some reason, you didn't. You had the perfect opportunity, and you didn't take it. Instead, you left me – just like Hokuto-chan. I lost the both of you forever that day. My two most special people in the world had left me alone. Worse than dead – empty. Was I really so pathetic in your eyes? Did I really mean so little to you that I wasn't even worth that exertion? Even for that tiny bit of satisfaction, you would not. Any other person would probably think me insane for being bitter over that, but I guess I can't help myself. I couldn't help the jealousy, knowing that you were out there, preying in the night on people whom you'd probably never looked at twice. It stung to think that you would take a complete stranger over me – that you knew exactly where I was and that you weren't coming – that those people who didn't even know your face were sharing something so exquisitely intimate with you and touching you as I could not. That you would let them do that to you, knowing all of this. I think I hated them for that. Seishirou-san, why won't you let me touch you? Perhaps... it is because, unlike those strangers, you had required something of me and I, being as ignorant and terrified of my own emotions as I was then, let you down. You won't touch me because I have already proven to you that I am unworthy of your favors – those others have not. I guess I could understand that. Looking back on it, during that year, you always went out of your way to give me everything... and I had repaid you by giving nothing of myself. By the time I had realized it, though, it was already too late. It's strange how things turn out. Somehow, I became a disappointment to everyone who ever believed in me – even you. And even now, 9 years later, I can still feel the disappointment and suffering I cause for those around me. But these days, I find that I can't be bothered by it. Though they disapprove, they cannot stop me from following my Wish. It is selfish of me, but it is all I have left. It is the single driving force in my life now. I wonder if you could understand that, Seishirou-san. You, who are so driven... and yet, driven by nothing. Could you possibly understand what it means to want something so badly when that thing in question could only bring misery? Would you ever regret the loss of something so close and yet so hopelessly out of reach? Would it ever burn you to know that the one thing you might want for yourself is the one thing that fate already determined you could never have? I would not blame you if none of this could touch you. Most people never have to think about these sorts of things. So their empty words of comfort never quite mattered to me. But that meant that for a long time, I was alone in my understanding. And then, quite miraculously, I found one person with whom I could empathize. Kamui... ...a boy whose heart was a mirror of my own so many years ago. And yet, despite that, Kamui is so much stronger than I could have ever hoped to be – in both body and spirit. At his young age, he harbors a sense of grief and betrayal that runs far deeper than my own, but he does his best for the sake of everyone else to carry on. How he manages to do so without losing sight of who he is or what he must do is quite beyond me. He is always on the verge of dying, and somehow, in spite of that, his spirit remains fierce and unbroken. In that respect, he and I are not the same. In some ways, though, he does represent a part of me... one that died a long time ago – something that, while having been presented differently, is of the same essence. Hope. It was something that I had abandoned to the darkness, never thinking that I would ever need it again. And granted, had I never met him, I would've probably never revisited that part of myself. But as it is, watching over him and all that he does has reminded me of all of my past failings and the mistakes that I chose not to correct – the same things that he strives to right in his own life now. It makes me wonder what might've happened if I had tried. It is truly a remarkable thing, to be able to look into his eyes and see what I might've been, had I been stronger. Such a startling revelation, I would have never guessed – he's so beautiful, after all. And for the first time since you shattered my world, Seishirou- san, I think I've found something – someone – to protect... something to preserve while I am still here. True, it is already my duty to do so, but I also stand by his side because I want to... and because, strangely enough, he wants me there too. But I must also admit that at the same time, even looking at him hurts because I am reminded quite forcefully of what I was never strong enough to achieve. And then the thought comes that maybe I really represent a part of Kamui – a part he's afraid of uncovering... his failed self. Once again, I am a disappointment, though he would never tell me so. Even now, lying curled up in bed with him, holding him so that he might sleep easier, I can't help but wonder what it is that he sees in me – or if he even really sees me when he looks at me. It's obvious that he admires me; but for what, I cannot say. He views me in such a simple light. I am simply Subaru to him – onmyouji, fellow Seal, and perhaps a friend. It doesn't seem to occur to him that I've proven to be such a horrible failure in my own dealings or that I am something that is, by now, only remotely human. Gentle as I am with him, and for as much as I understand him, my capacity for deeper emotions is long since drained. I wonder if I was that way with you all those years ago, Seishirou- san. Did I really always look at you with eyes that told you that you could do anything? Was I so eagerly blind to all of your shortcomings? Did I hold you faultless before the fire with the simple conviction that you would make everything all right? I flinch at the answer: of course I was. In my eyes, you could do no wrong. And that is something that scares me now. To have such faith placed in me is a strange, uneasy thing, Seishirou-san. Though I have no intention of hurting him – though I have never lied to him – I know that one day I will have to break that trust. I can only pray that he will manage without me. I don't think I'd ever forgive myself otherwise. I don't know what I did to deserve a smile as beautiful as Kamui's, and it worries me to think that I might have to the power to steal it from him – the same way you robbed me of my life, Seishirou-san. But I really am selfish, you know... nurturing that fire in his eyes, wanting to capture some of its warmth for myself, when I know deep in my heart that I am incapable of sustaining it. I will be the first to miss it when it flickers out, but I don't have what it takes to be able to restore it. As I said before, I am dead and way past the point of redemption. I cannot give Kamui what he needs or deserves. It takes someone living in order to love... and my heart died a long time ago. You destroyed it, Seishirou-san. You destroyed me. And yet... sometimes, I can't help but wonder. Even now, lying curled up in bed with Kamui, holding him so that he can sleep easier, neither of us sleeps. Instead, I lie awake with my head pillowed against his chest – half-feeling, half listening to the steady beating within – letting the gentle rhythm of his heart soothe me. His arms are curled around my shoulders loosely, one draped limply across my back, the other pulled up to stroke my hair absently. It's been a while since his eyes drifted shut, but even in the darkness, I can still see him smiling. I've always liked his smile. In times like these, it's almost impossible to tell who is comforting whom. Maybe we are comforting each other. Carefully, I tighten my embrace around him, trying to understand how something so simple could be so comforting... so healing. It is not something I am accustomed to feeling. But even as I wonder, I feel myself reveling in that perfect warmth – trying to memorize the feel of it – trying to keep that feeling with me always. It's amazing how much I could WANT something like that – to realize that no matter what happens tomorrow, everything will be worth it. All for this one moment – this simple, honest joy. Even if I can't love Kamui, I will always remember this... and it will always be special to me. Always. I must be smiling at that thought, because when I look up at him again, he is regarding me intently. It's the same, almost wistful look he has anytime I ever smile at him. I always have to wonder why it makes him sad to see me do so. I'm about to ask him if something is wrong when his expression softens and draws me closer, whispering for me to relax and to sleep, because no matter what, he'll still be there, waiting for me in the morning when I wake up. Gratefully, I curl into him and let myself drift. Seishirou-san... I still have not changed my mind about my Wish... but for just a moment, I dare to wonder if I could ever love again... and, for Kamui's sake... what it would be like to live. (owari)