"Coffee by Moonlight"
A Gundam Wing fanfiction
Written by Komadori-chan MD 
[Fanfiction is non-profit – GW © Sunrise & Sotsu Agency] 
Published: 05-04-01



Sometimes I wonder when it was that I realized that I was enamored 
by the heavens. I mean, not just fascinated... but truly, devoutly 
captivated by the ethereal beauty of the night sky. Being brought up 
as I was out there in the arctic embrace of the cosmic void, most 
people would tend to grow bored and eventually, somewhat resentful 
of the cosmic realm. Not that I blame them... having to live with 
and in it everyday of your life can eventually become something of a 
bore, if not a burden. Curiously enough, though, I never did gain 
that state of mind. Instead, I was drawn into a rather inverted, 
romantic point of view, which even I, to this day, cannot comprehend 
of its becoming.

And space... of course, living amongst the stars, it is only logical 
that I learned the greater accepted concepts and theories of long 
since past, in the fashion that they expect you to regard it all-- 
with reason and academic observation. The mathematical equations and 
charts and notations... I know them all by heart... but somehow, 
none of that ever seemed to phase me as it should have-- as it did 
to so many others around me. Quite the opposite of which: I came to 
hold the universe in all of its magnificence, not in the cold sense 
of analytical science, but as something breathtakingly mystical and 
mysterious. The sort of things dreams were made of... and dreams are 
a wonderful thing to possess. 

And so my idealistic musings flow and ebb, giving me a strange sort 
of peace and contentment that leaves me only partially full, though 
not in a disheartening way... and waiting for that elusive something 
to come along and grant me completion. I've often wondered what that 
something is, though I've no doubt that when I find it, I'll know 
it... 

Given the idea that I am a soldier in an age of technological 
advancement and high-level scientific achievement, it's difficult at 
times to discern how I came to find a rather sentimental, medieval 
outlook on things as normal. How is it that someone as jaded and 
exposed as myself can still be so easily awestruck by such 
insignificant findings? I suppose you would have to wonder these 
things about me, as they seem very contradictory to my standing in 
life. I wouldn't blame you. But you'd be surprised to know that, for 
all of that, it isn't as uncommon as it sounds. The little realized 
truth is that I am still a child... a child living on the edge of 
his own destruction... who's taking the extra step to appreciate and 
live life out to its fullest... while he's still living.

Too bad I will always be lonely because of it... since no one else 
seems to understand me. 

With that thought, I sigh and shift fitfully, rearranging my arms 
until they're folded comfortably behind my head as I retain my 
heavenward gaze. The cool night air stirs the surrounding blades of 
grass gently, tickling at my sides and back as I lay quietly upon 
the earth, searching the celestial creation for the answers to 
questions I do not yet know. 

Entranced by the moon's silver, loving glow and the bittersweet pain 
of my own, wandering thoughts, I feel myself separating from this 
reality and at some point, I'm sure my vision blurs as my eyes lose 
their focus... but I don't even notice. My imaginary world and the 
physical world merge and fade into each other seamlessly, 
transporting me back into time and space... and I lose myself. 

And lose myself... and lose myself... over and over again... to the 
limpid, swallowing pools of serenity somewhere in the back of my 
mind. Those blackened waters, which have cleansed my filthy soul 
time and time again... and muffled the screams that slip past the 
shuttered, tortured depths of my being and into existence... they 
hold me within their unfeeling embrace once again. 

And my pain recedes. 

Sighing, I welcome the freeing numbness of this barren void, willing 
it to ease me... to clean me. Oh God, how I need this... I need this 
emptiness... and yet...

Yet... there it is again... that sensation... demanding and 
questioning all in the same breath... penetrating but wary... 
confident although still somehow needy. Holding me back from falling 
deeper into my blank isolation... and once again, I find myself 
hesitating.

There's just something about that feeling... something that can't be 
accurately described in words alone. There's something about it that 
trembles with curiosity, as if new and untried... but powerfully 
familiar in a dominating flood of force... as if I've known it for a 
long time. It's so colored and varied and brimming with life, but it 
seems to be lacking something vital, which makes me wonder.

Gently, it washes over me with its soothing warmth, coaxing me 
back... beckoning to me to have it.

Strange as it sounds, I almost feel for it, you know... like it was 
some entity... the insubstantial embodiment of a creature seeking 
acceptance and love, fearing its imminent rejection ... just like 
me. I almost wish it was, though... because somehow, it occurs to me 
that it would understand exactly how I feel. Hell, maybe it is me... 
but I guess I enjoy the idea of having a companion a little more. It 
makes the journey less lonely, y'know.

So I play along and let myself pretend... and for the first time, 
allow myself to reach out for it. 

It flows around me, softly, thoughtfully-- as if waiting for my 
consent... coming up to warm my face and ruffle my bangs in the 
semblance of the hand of a concerned friend, offering comfort... 
filling my empty spaces and making me whole again. Making me want 
it. Making me need it.

But then I begin to notice that with each touch, it becomes more and 
more tangible-- more real. The soft brushes against my cheek become 
something solid and touchable just as a faint buzzing fills my 
ears...

"Duo... Duo...?" a deep droning tenor echoes in my head.

Someone outside is calling my name, calling me back from myself... 
but the sensation stays with me, growing bolder and more insistent. 

And for the life of me, I don't want to leave it. I don't want to 
leave this place and this faceless, mirrored projection of my heart. 
I don't want to disengage myself from its understanding grip... 

"Duo...?"

Then suddenly, the warmth that is this feeling takes form and I feel 
the very real heat of flesh on flesh, shocking me back into reality. 

It's then that I open my eyes and realize that someone is kneeling 
over me with a very worried expression. "Duo? Daijoubu ka?" he asks 
me again, his hand still cupping the side of my face tentatively, as 
if gauging my temperature. Absently, I nod, still a bit disoriented 
from my abrupt resurfacing and a pair of blue-gray eyes narrow 
assessingly at me from beneath the dark fringe of tousled, sepia 
locks. 

"Sou ka?"

"Aa"

For a long time, he stares down at me with a questioning expression, 
as if he were testing the idea that I might be lying to him, never 
letting up his hold on me... if you could call it that. "I called to 
you and you didn't answer me" he says quietly, in answer to my 
unspoken question, shifting a small set of objects just out of the 
line of my peripheral vision with his free hand. Not that I need to 
see them, I know what they are. They're coffee mugs. I can just 
catch a hint of the strong, bitter brew from where I lay. It's a 
soothing aroma, even at this laughable hour of the night. 

At two o'clock in the morning, Heero had come outside to ask me if I 
wanted to have a cup of coffee with him. The concept was kind of 
funny, if you think about it, but coming from my partner, it was 
sort of endearing.

The hand on my cheek shifts minutely, drawing my attention back to 
my friend in time for him to ask me one last time if I was sure and 
something about his voice and his touch stirs my interest. It was 
the same one that had called for me, yes, that was true... and it 
had sounded at the same time that that phantom sensation had turned 
into something I could touch back... in fact... it had almost seemed 
like... like...

Then it clicks.

My companion... my missing piece... it was Heero. Not just some 
apparition manifested of my own desperate longing for acceptance. 
Not just some strange whispering voice, come from the depths of my 
subconscious. He was real.

And now that I knew it, I wasn't going to let him go.

Smiling, I reach out and pull him in closer to me, "I'll be fine... 
as long as you stay with me," and with that, I hug him, chuckling at 
the startled look in those cobalt orbs. I swear, Hee-chan is so 
adorable when he's confused.

For a moment, he stiffens in my arms and the briefest flash of 
regret tingles its way down my spine and I suddenly wonder if I had 
interpreted things the wrong way. But before I can grow too wary, he 
relaxes in my grip and-- almost awkwardly-- returns my embrace.

And until some time after dawn finally breaks, he continues to let 
me hold him, as we sit outside, sipping our coffee and counting the 
stars... together.